Circuit Shady.....

It might be a little late for this, but I felt compelled to bring this to everyone's attention. With the Christmas season nearly upon us, I felt the need to let everyone know about this little tidbit. I was at Circuit Shady, er I mean Circuit City the other day. I was looking to purchase a certain item whose price in the store was $74.99. However, before I left for my trip to the store I checked their website and the same item was listed for $52.99. Well, as luck would have it I traveled to my local Circuit Shady and picked up said item. At the register its price rang up as $79 plus tax. At this point I asked their employee why it was 30% cheaper online. Lucky for me (or them, depending on how you look at it) they are able to access the internet right from the register. Once they found my specific item, they saw that the online price was much cheaper. At this point they were able to change it right then and I was able to get the reduced price. The thing that bothered me the most was that they were more than content to let me walk out of that store paying 30% more than I should have. So, my message is this: If you are looking to make any kind of purchase at Circuit Shady, make sure you take a look online first. Otherwise, you might be paying a lot more than should have.

Here's my other nugget of wisdom for the week. I wish that people would stop moaning about this global warming "problem" that we're having. All I know is that last week it was almost 70 and it is the middle of December. Quite frankly, I am all for this global warming stuff. I will take temperatures like this anytime. And I didn't have to buy a ticket to Florida. The way I see it, the Earth has been around for about 6 million years. I need it to last about another 70. After that, I'll mostly likely no longer have a vested interest in whats going on. Need SPF 500? Fine by me.

Off to a good start.....

Well, the gates to hell have been open for a little over a week and we already have two submissions for the 2007 Death Pool. I have to say that I'm quite impressed with the quality of work I have seen so far. Let's just say that I don't anticipate us getting shut-out again in the '07.

I'm thinking about starting an independent website for this so that its easier to track in the future. Plus, it would give me some experience in website design in case I make the leap to graduate studies in the near future. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get started or any features that you'd like to see, let me know.

Also, I would be remiss in not mentioning the passing of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. He's my second "stone-cold, lead pipe lock" pick for next year to not make to the '07. A moment of silence, please.

Waiting......

And we're done.

Not much else to report. Till next week.

~K

A little disappointed.....

I gotta admit. I thought that by this time I would have at least a few submissions for the pool this year. So far I have none. Zero. Zip. Nada. Now, hopefully this is a by-product of the new rules and everyone is utilizing the maximum amount of time to do research and submit a list that is top-notch. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Not much else going on in this part of the world. Although, as I write this I am watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS. I mean, can we find out who came up with the idea to get this thing on the air? Shouldn't they be eligible for some sort of Nobel Prize? One would think so.

So, I guess that eating kangaroo IS bad for you.

I am all for exploration, but I think that this is taking things a bit far. Is this really the best thing we have to spend $100 billion on.

I'm Telling You for the Last Time

Now that I have all the kinks ironed out of the scoring and mechanics of the '07 Death Pool. I felt that it would be prudent to list an update list of rules for how this thing is going to work. Personally, I think that nothing says the holidays like thinking about the pool picks for the following year.

Official Rules: By the power vested in me by the United States of America, I hereby declare these the Official rules of the 2007 Monday 5 P.M. Death Pool

1. The Death Pool (hereto referred to simply as "the Pool") attempts to predict which celebrities will pass away in the current year.

2. The only people eligible to be selected are Celebrities. While impossible to specifically declare what makes a celebrity, a good rule of thumb is that their obit would appear in national newspapers. Also, a person can not become a celebrity only because of their death. We'll refer to this as the Daniel Smith rule. The management retains the right to reject any person who doesn't fit the "celebrity" criteria.

3. The scoring works as such: This will mark the first year that we observe the "Sweet 16" scoring format. Do not be confused by the wording. Each person is allowed to select a total of 10 celebrities. You will rank your selections from 10 to 1. In this case #10 will be the person who you think is most likely to die in the upcoming year. If the person in that position does pass away, you then multiply the position number by the difference of 100 minus their age. So, as an example, if you had Steve Irwin at #7 this year that would have been worth 392 points. (7*(100-44)) . This format still rewards people who take chances on younger people instead of playing it safe with all elderly selections.

4. The person with the highest total number of points for the entire year wins. For the 2006 Pool, there have been exactly 0 points awarded. We suck at this.

5. There is no restriction on who you can select, relative to other's picks. In the 2006 Pool, there were no overlapping picks. This WILL NOT be true for 2007. You can select someone, regardless of whether or not someone else has them on their list.

6. People who are ineligible as selections: People on death row. Currently missing children. If I missed anyone else that is obvious, let me know. In other words, play like a normal person (or as normal as a person who participates in the Pool can be).

7. You are allowed to draft your people between December 1st and December 31st.

8. In order to keep things fair, all the selections need to be e-mailed to ourdeathpool@yahoo.com This way, we have a way for people to get their selections in, but I won't release the names until after January 1st. So, people who don't put any thought into this won't be able to pick and choose from other people's selections. Also, feel free to make up a creative team name and send it in with your selections.

9. This is for entertainment purposes only. The only prize is the pride and sense of accomplishment of winning.

10. Have fun.

Boyakah!

Ok, I will not be converting to non-sensical words like the Chad, but I couldn't come up with anything better. Took last week off because of the holiday, and because I felt like it. I would love to say that writing about PSU football, Death Pools, and other mindless crap drains a lot out of me. But I can't. I think it would be embarassing to say that I just had writer's block and couldn't come up with anything that would top my classics like "the Cleofus theory" and "global warming is crap".

Anyway, moving right along. I saw the headline for this story, and immediately I was ready to rip it shreds, but it actually makes sense. I can't really think of a way of how I would keep my money organized if I couldn't see it. I guess they could emboss it, or put a certain number of holes in it or something.

Next, I have had it with commercial packaging. Every once and a while the status quo for consumer packages it broken and other companies are forced to follow suit when someone comes up with a better idea. A great example is juice cartons. You used to have to open up them up in the front and they would never work right. One side would tear, and then you had to stab it with a knife and it slipped and you barely missed slicing your thumb off. Well, then they came up with that side spout thing, and the world was a much better place. I bring all of this up because I am totally fed up with the little cardboard latch on cereal boxes, waffle boxes, etc. It seems that whenever I am dealing with these things I acquire Herculean strength and rip right through it. Next thing you know, my Capt'n Crunch is going stale. We can't have this. Can't we come up with something better? Someone needs to get working on this, ASAP.

I would be shirking my duties if I at least didn't mention this. As far as I am concerned, November 17th should now be considered a national holiday. And on that holiday, cover charges at all nudie bars are waved. Well, wait till I'm President.....26 more years.

Finally, I have some news on the Death Pool. After much consideration I have decided to go against the advice of my consigliere, the Chad, and reverse myself and switch the format. We will be going to the Sweet 16 pool format. So, everybody is allowed to pick 10 people. There are NO restrictions based on whether or not the person is on someone else's list. I just think that this is more fair to people. So, it doesn't matter if you pick your people on Dec 1st or the 31st. In order to prevent people from capitalizing on the work of others, there will be an email address provided to submit your lists to. That way they will be in before the deadline, but I won't release them on the website until January 1st. I think that this is the most fair method. Same scoring applies that I mentioned before. You will rank all 10 people from 10 to 1. #10 will be the person you think is most likely to die, and so forth. We will then multiply the seeding by the difference in 100-age. Thats it. Pretty simple, but effective. The link to the email address will be available on Dec 1st.

~Till then.

~K

Two thumbs up.......(and a DP update)

Well, since we only played Temple this week, I feel that it wouldn't be a fair comparison to give the same level of in-depth analysis that I normally do. So, because of that I have decided to give you reviews of some of the movies that I have seen recently. There is also a crucial DP 2007 update at the bottom.

In the past month, I have been to the movies three times. That is probably the total number of movies I had seen in a theater the last three years combined. That's how much I wanted to check these out, instead of waiting for the DVDs like I normally do.

The first one was Saw 3. This is probably only interesting to someone who has seen the first two movies in this series. It was very good though. The guy who plays the serial killer Jigsaw is legitimately one of the creepiest guys on the planet. This guy would scare me if he was standing next to me at McD's ordering a Big Mac. This movie series is the prime reason I no longer do my laundry at night.

Next up was the Departed. I was very excited for this one because it was a picture from Martin Scorsese. I seemed to have missed the excitement regarding some of his previous works, such as Goodfellas, Casino, etc. I only came to appreciate those movies after watching them on TV many years later. So, this time I felt that I was getting in on the ground floor. After watching it, I definately see some Oscar nominations in their future. I can see Nicholson and DiCaprio getting actor nods, and the film itself getting a Best Picture award. I highly recommend going to see this if you already haven't.

Finally, just this past weekend I was able to get out and see the Borat movie. All I can say is that you should RUN, not walk and get out to see this movie. I can't remember laughing so much during a movie in my life. The movie is the cinematic equivalent of a car crash. You know what's going to happen and it's not going to be pretty, but you can't turn away. Same thing here. You can see the uncomfortable situation coming from a mile away, but you can't turn away from the screen. One of the great things about this movie is that I feel that the next 5 times I watch this movie I will pick up on different things that I missed before. Great movie. I highly recommend spending the 8 bucks to go see it.

Finally, I have a question about the format of the 2007 Death Pool. From early reports that I am getting, it sounds like quite a few people are interested in participating next year. My question is this: Do you like the format that I originally laid out, where each person can only be drafted once? My fear is that if a lot of people participate, then someone who doesn't make their picks until later might be left with a very weak pool to draw from. The other option is to go to a format similar to the "Sweet 16" pools that run during the NCAA tournament. In this format, there is no restriction on who you can pick. What happens is that you would rank your ten people from 10 to 1. The person who you felt was most likely to kick the bucket would be in the number 10 position, and so forth. The scoring would be the same (100 minus their age) but then multiplied by the position. So, an 80 year old person who you had at number 7 would be worth 140 points. [(100-80)*7]. This way we wouldn't have to worry about overlap, because multiple people can hold the same person on their list. However, the positioning would become critical. Two people might hold the same person, but one might have them at 10 and one at 3. Just let me know what you think. The more I think about it, I think that this makes more sense. But this is a Kevocracy so I will let everyone vote on it, and ultimately do whatever I damn well please. Thank you.

~The Management

Oh, what the hell......

Didn't post this week. Didn't really have anything to say. Didn't watch the game. One funny takeaway from Saturday involves JoePa's injury. Since, I wasn't able to watch the game, and only heard about the injury I was watching ESPN2's Bottom Line. I had heard about the injury, but hadn't seen the video of it at this point. Well, the Breeder's Cup races were on Saturday as well. I guess that one of the horses had a leg injury and had to be put down on the track. Well, I caught the last half of this information as it scrolled by. It read "....with broken leg, and had to be euthanized." My first immediate thought was, "God, JoePa's injury must have been pretty bad." Not good.

Also, can we all have a moment of silence for the ending of Britney and K-Fed's marriage? Here's an interesting thought I had. If you had to pick between the two, which one would you go with? You can either A.) be K-Fed and be universally hated, but walk away with $10 mil from the divorce or B.) be a normal guy, and well liked. That's right. I'd take the money too.

Till next week.
~K

DP 2007 - The Official Draft Picks

Well, its that time again. I figured that I would be the first person to re-sign their selections from this year.

The AP is reporting that Kevin has decided to re-sign Fidel Castro for the 2007 DP. He officially renounces the rights to Stephen Hawking, Eminem, Courtney Love, and Wilford Brimley.


Update: CWG suggested that I post everybody's picks from last year. Here you go:

1. Kevin: Fidel Castro, Stephen Hawking, Eminem, Courtney Love, and Wilford Brimley
2. The Chad: Gerald Ford, Joe Paterno, Horatio Sans, Michael J Fox, Magic Johnson
3. Jon-boy: Bobby Bowden, Warren Buffett, Mike McQueary, Derek Fox, Verne Troyer
4. CWG: Kevin Federline, Robert Downey Jr., Ed McMahon, George Jones, Muhammed Ali
5. Von: Little Richard, W Mark Felt, Nick Nolte, Tony Bennett, John Goodman

Hope that helps.
~K

DP 2007 - The Official Rules

Ok, it doesn't happen very often, but the Chad makes a good point. I don't think that I laid out a very clear explanation of all the rules for the Pool. Since I know that we will have many more participants this year, I think its good to lay everything out in one area for everybody to see. So, here we go, and if there is anything that I miss, post it in the comments section and I will amend it. The official posting for those of us who can re-sign our free agents will be up later tonight (Tuesday).

Official Rules

By the power vested in me by the United States of America, I hereby declare these the Official rules of the 2007 Monday 5 P.M. Death Pool

1. The Death Pool (hereto referred to simply as "the Pool") attempts to predict which celebrities will pass away in the current year.

2. The only people eligible to be selected are Celebrities. While impossible to specifically declare what makes a celebrity, a good rule of thumb is that their obit would appear in national newspapers. Also, a person can not become a celebrity only because of their death. We'll refer to this as the Daniel Smith rule.

3. The scoring works as such: you take the number 100 minus your celebrity's age. For instance, if someone would have had Steve Irwin this year, they would have received 56 points (100-44). This way, you are rewarded by taking chances that younger celebrities will parrish.

4. The person with the highest total number of points for the entire year wins. For the 2006 Pool, there have been exactly 0 points awarded. We suck at this.

5. Your selections are only good for that year. So, the picks for 2007 will be made in December of 2006. If one of your picks dies before 2007, tough luck. However, we will allow you to select a supplemental draft choice.

6. People who are ineligible as selections: People on death row. Currently missing children. If I missed anyone else that is obvious, let me know. In other words, play like a normal person (or as normal as a person who participates in the Pool can be).

7. The way that it stands now, there are no repetitive picks. Once a person has been drafted, they are off the board. This could change in future years, but that's the rule as it stands now.

8. Participants will be able to re-sign their free agents year after year. Currently, the re-signing period will run from November 1st till November 30th at midnight. If you haven't declared your intent to keep some or all of your previous year selections by that point, anyone can draft them.

9. This should be much higher up, but each person can draft up to 10 people. The 10 people includes any re-signed draftees from the previous year.

10. The open selection period for new participants and current players looking to fill out their rosters is December 1st at midnight till Dec 31st at midnight. All picks can be made in the comments section of the offical Pool Posting which will be up shortly. The timestamp from this site will be the official tie-breaker and official record keeper as to who got their picks in first.

11. This is for entertainment purposes only.

12. Have fun.

~K

You wanted the best, you got the best.....DP 2007!

I was going to hold off unveiling the Death Pool rules for 2007 under November, but this is close enough and I couldn't think of anything else to write about tonight. So.....I know that you are all waiting for this, and without further ado.....

Death Pool 2007!

Official rules

Ok, the rules aren't going to be changing much for this upcoming year. A few minor tweaks here and there, but nothing Earth-shattering.

First, I will be instituting the Larry Bird rule. Now, the Larry Bird rule has nothing to do with the health and well-being of Larry Bird. In the NBA, teams are given certain advantages to re-signing their own free-agents. So, what I have decided to do it let everyone who participated in the pool this year determine whether or not you want to re-sign 2006's selections. The first day of this period will be November 1st, and it will end at midnight on November 30th. If you haven't let the world know by that point that you want to keep some or all of your picks, they automatically become free agents. Going to be out of the country and unable to re-sign your picks? Tough. Deal with it.

This brings me to my second point. The number of available picks will be expanding from 5 to 10. This might sound a bit harsh, but I don't think that we had nearly enough action this year. So, hopefully the increased number of selections will make it more interesting.

Next, scoring will remain the same. The person's age minus 100. It's simple, yet effective.

The open season for all new participants, as well as the add-on's for existing players will begin at 12:01 am on December 1st.

The same general rule s will apply as last year: All selected persons must be of a certain level of celebrity status. Nobody on Death Row. No missing children. In other words, play like a normal person. (or as normal as participating in a Death Pool can be).

All picks will be made though the comments section of the Official Death Pool Posting, which I will put up on November 1st. The automatic stamp will determine whose picks got their first.

If I forgot anything, or you have any questions, just let me know.

~Kevin

Thanks for the memories.......

Well, since another one of the group has decided to destroy his life by taking that dreaded walk down the aisle, I felt it was appropriate to take a walk down memory lane.

You see, a few days ago I was required to go through some of the artifacts that I had acquired during my half-decade at Penn State. I was expecting to throw away a few papers and be on my way, but a funny thing happened. I managed to compress five of the best years of my life into 3 short hours.

It's amazing what emotions and memories can be extracted from something as simple as a photograph. So, without further delay, here are some of the hits (and misses) of my trip down memory lane.

Hits:
Playboy. Many pictures from back in the day. A photo of the infamous night when we all got to meet Playboy Playmate (and future Dancing with the Stars participant) Kelly Monaco. Without going into specifics, let's just say that some of us have aged differently than others.

School work. I was amazed at the level of work I did in college. I also don't know what prompted me to want to save so much of it. Was I really going to need an equation from Physics 202? A graph from Econ 304? Never. But I saved it anyway. Oh, and by the way, we Fucking Owned Physics. How do I know this? It was written on every class-sanctioned formula sheet that we had. I even managed to find some stuff from Math 220. The infamous (insert crazy German accent) "c'mon you are killers, you must zee two" class.

Photos. Here we took alot, but not enough. Mostly of freshman year. All the usual suspects. Pavlik, Rocco, Morgan "me piss on da door", etc. Brandi (the inflatable one, not the idiot-sounding girl from the Palace). (And no, she didn't have any working orifices). (Maybe the plural there should be orifii). Whatever. I'm babbling.

Artifacts. Some things were museum quality. I mean, items that can be directly traced back to the start of something great. Kind of like finding Bill Gates' first computer disk. Well, I found the side of the first case of beer I ever drank. Miller MGD. DWB and I got a 35 year old 8th year senior to get this for us. We proceeded to get drunk, and start a snowball fight. DWB was then unceremoniously clotheslined by the scrawniest tree branch in the history of man kind. The snowball fight moved indoors and violations and a trip to see Rocco "hey, guys" Infantino soon followed.

I also found the brochure that CWG defiled by altering "All females must be escorted at all times" to "All females must be butt-ass naked at all times" Ah, those we're the days.

Misses:
School work. I found the now-world famous "9" exam. And for those of you who aren't aware of the "9" exam, let's just say that the score wasn't out of 10.

Artwork. Legally, all I am allowed to say is that it involved St. Patty's Day, food-coloring, and an interesting, modern-day spin on a Rorschach test.

Entomology. Ray Combs. 'nuff said.

All-in-all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Till next week.

~Kevin

I will now cry myself to sleep.....

Persons of Planet Earth:

Excellent point Meridith! I certainly don't want to limit my readership to a strictly male audience. In my dreams, this is a blog that is equally enjoyable to both men and women alike. However, in those same dreams, the women have names like Sunshine, Jade, and Crystal. But that's another story.

Onto the game. I don't know what to say. I really don't. This was it. This was the season. Do I need to lower my expectations and pray that we beat Michigan before I die? Really? What's realistic for us at this point? 2010? 2050? Just give me a number to work with. I feel like a pre-2004 Red Sox fan. I just feel that there are certain things that I might not see this program do before I check out.

I would try and add my expert technical football analysis, but I think that we've covered most of it already. But here are a couple of points that I want to emphasize just because I can.

First, I remember the day that Henne picked PSU over Michigan. He was a highly ranked high school quarterback who wanted a chance to go pro. Well, can't really say that I question his thought process. Like somebody else pointed out, we haven't sent a quarterback to the pros since Kerry Collins in the 1995 draft. Thats 11 seasons. We don't even have a 3rd string quarterback on an NFL roster. I did a bit of research and since Paterno took over we have had 8 QBs who played at least 1 season in the NFL. And thats a list that includes names like Wally Richardson and Kevin Thompson. That covers 41 seasons. Michigan, on the other hand, has had its last 5 (Todd Collins, Griese, Brady, Henson, and John Navarre) all make it to an NFL roster. Henne will make it 6. If I had a son with those types of skills I would REALLY have to think about sending him to State College. God, its like JayPa forgot what its like to be in the trenches and start as a D-1 quarterback. I am not saying I wish him harm, but I hope they put him on the cover of Madden 2008.

Next, DWB was talking about how he would like the coaches to look if there was to be a shake-up at the end of the year. I think we are missing something here. We need to get LJ, Sr to retire. Here's my plan. We say that he's retiring so that he can spend more time with LJ, Jr., making sure he's not out pistol-whipping beyotches in KC. Then, we dip into the Johnson family playbook and recruit the best high school coach in America with at least 2 D-1 level prospects as sons.

Also, we couldn't stop a slant. When you're giving the receiver a 6 yard cushion, its not hard to throw a slant for a completion. I think that they completed 3 of them on 3rd down on a single drive.

Ok, I am going to go use my FoodSaver to vacuum-pack my F@!# Michigan T-shirt for next year.

I know that everyone caught the video of the Miami / Florida International brawl on TV. Listen, I know that it was a horrible event. That's been established. What I want to comment on was the one knucklehead who was swinging his helmet in the fight. Now, I am by no means a rocket scientist, but doesn't it seem logical that if your in a fight and you have easy access to head protection.....YOU MIGHT WANT TO WEAR IT! And the funniest thing was that he was using it to swing and try and hit another player who was wearing his helmet! He should be thrown out of school. Not because of the brawl, but because he is clearly not smart enough to be enrolled in a university.

Also, I caught this video on YouTube. Its funny that someone spent this much time to create a high-quality video on the subject.

Till next week.

~Kevin

Shot in the Face......

Gentlemen:

I don't think anybody should be shot in the face, but I gotta admit, that's one hell of a line. Well, let's get right down to it, and I will give you my analysis of the game based on what I saw.

(waiting........)

(still waiting......)

That's right, I didn't see the game. Not a single play. A combination of poor scheduling and the belief that it was "only Minnesota" led me to this decision. Quite frankly, I think I am better off. I think that throughout the years PSU football will shave about a year off my life. The combination of elevated blood pressure from dumb playcalling can do that to you. But, from what I hear it sounded like they are finally starting to take our advice seriously. Also, one question. What is a bubble screen? Should I feel like a dunce for not knowing this? If so, please explain, and then call me a dunce.

Ok, onto this week. Basically, the season comes down to this. We can lose the rest of this season's games and it will all be worth it if we can beat Michigan. I can't remember a victory vs. them ever. And its not so much that they beat us, it seems like there is always a shady reason behind it. Remember a couple of years ago when Tony Johnson caught that pass and he was ruled out of bounds? (and we later found out the ref was from Ann Arbor). I can't even bring myself to bring up that catastrophe of last year. Lloyd "2 seconds" Carr convincing the refs to add more time. At least Mario Manningham is out of the game this time around. I have been thinking about ways we could get shafted this year. I think the most likely one is that we are down by 6 with 5 seconds left to go, we throw a Hail Mary, Derrick Williams catches it, and as he is running for the touchdown, a sinkhole swallows him up.

As far as predictions go, I see us finally being able to break this streak. All the elements are there. Its a night game in Beaver Stadium. A white out has been declared. That place is going to rocking on Saturday night. If we bring our "A" games I think we can win. I see a 27-17 Nittany Lion victory.

Also, I am expecting full participation in the "F@!# Michigan" T-shirt club. I will be getting mine out of its sealed storage unit. A little tighter around the mid-section, but it still fits. Besides the $4.92 I spent on that severed pig's head, by far the best money that I ever spent in college.

Moving right along, for those of you who remember Chafie Fields (former PSU wideout), he was on my local all-sports radio station on Sunday answering questions. Ah....how does one put this? Let's just say that I don't think that he does radio on his weekends off from running the nuclear physics lab at MIT. Thats the part I didn't understand. I can see if you can get a big name ex-athlete on your show to answer questions, and he can barely put 2 words together. But Chafie Fields? I'm thinking Chafie has some incriminating photos of somebody at the station. Seriously.

Finally, I don't know if anybody else caught this tidbit. Jennifer "Fisheye" Wilbanks is suing her former fiance. I guess that he didn't give her back certain items like a gold couch after she ran-away before their wedding. A gold-colored couch? That should have been that guy's first tip-off. In my opinion, anybody who fancys a gold couch should be treated with extreme caution. However, if I was the fiance I would have the perfect comeback for her attempt to get back into his life, "you have no business back here."

(And yes I did spend about 5 minutes trying to figure out how to work that into the conversation)

Ok, go State this weekend! I can feel it, this is the weekend!

~Kevin

Better, but not great

Well, another week and another victory for the Nittany Lions, but I'm still not satisfied. Maybe I'm just spoiled but I didn't think we played great. What I'm looking for is a crisp game. We need this in order to accomplish my only goal for the season: beat Michigan.

First, is it just me, or is a sign from God that there haven't been any bright and sunny home games? I think this bears mentioning.

Second, we are tremendous between the 20's. In the red zone: not so much.

Thirdly, Anthony Moroni, er....Morelli is treading on thin ice as far as I'm concerned. I couldn't understand that the announcers CONSTANTLY said that this was the game Morelli really stepped up. Really? How many touchdown passes did he have? Exactly.

Fourthly, I don't like to be a nit-picker, but during the game the sideline reporter commented on the benefits of living in College State. Not State College, mind you, but College State. I think if you're going to be a female sideline reporter, you need to either A.) know the name of the town you're in or B.) be topless. Either way, you're bringing something to the table.

Fifthly, I came up with a scenario which may or may have been fueled by alcohol. I think that the PSU coaches have extracted Derrick Williams' mojo (Austin Powers-style) so that they could redistribute it to other players, such as AJ Wallace. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this rate of decline. I mean, he's on a Zack Mills type pace of mediocrity. At this current pace, I see him with Eddie Drummond type skills by his senior year.

Sixthly, not sure if anybody else caught this, but here's my favorite news story of the past week.

Seventhly, I think we've learned one lesson. If you're a total screw up, here's the battle plan: You screw up, get caught, and then immediately declare that you're entering rehab because of alcohol. Just like here, here, and here. I think that these cluster-f's are starting to give booze a bad name. Funny how no one is going to rehab before they embarass the hell out of themselves.

Ok, till next week.

~Kevin

Major Letdown......

Well, another week, another Nittany Lion loss. I am not QUITE ready to put everybody under the bus yet, but here are my thoughts.

First, for those of you who didn't hear it during the game, ESPN.com was reporting JoePa had a case of the 'Hershey squirts' and then the AP wire lated corrected that to 'green apple splatters.'

Next, I am not sure if anyone caught this (I know I didn't), but tonight on PTI they showed a replay of the Michael Jenkins Int that he returned for a touchdown. He actually spiked the ball on about the 1/2 yard line. Nobody upstairs in the PSU booth caught this. Who knows what would have happened then. Maybe we hold them to a field goal.

I am not ready to call an end to the Anthony Morelli era. I still think that he can play, but he really, really needs to work on looking off receivers at the line of scrimmage. His ass needs to stay in State College over the summer and work on drills where one receiver suddenly becomes "hot" instead of knowing who he'll throw it to ahead of time. And, this is just a theory...I know that there is no such thing as the mafia (wink) and that a bookie would never try to fix a football game, but try this on for size. The spread for last week's game was 16. Hypothetically speaking, what if said QB threw a 2nd interception that was returned for a touchdown? It moved the score from 21-6 (which didn't cover the spread) to 28-6 (which did). And what harm would it have caused? They were already losing, they just happened to lose by a bigger amount. I'm not saying anything is fishy, I'm just saying its something that crosses your mind.

I loved DWB's idea for the "ass-out." Although I will say that it cracks me up how the other schools around the country are trying to compete with the world-famous "white out." Also, why didn't OSU just call it the "Red Sea"? It seemed like a much better title than what ever they called it. Also, Michigan declared a "maize out" for the Notre Dame game this year. I know that Michigan students aren't overly bright, but that doesn't even make any sense. At least a "white out" is a real thing.

Till next time

~K

Predictions.....

First, I would just like comment on what DWB said. Yes, Seinfeld is the greatest show of all-time not named Blind Date or G-String Divas. I can watch those episodes all day long, and they never get boring. Also, they are perfect "background noise" shows. These are the shows that you put on when you are doing something else. They work so well in this capacity because you already when the funny parts are, so you can just focus back in at those points. Also, no other show added so much to our vocabulary (high-talker, master of your domain, etc.)

Next, onto the game. Well, let's just say that I'm not encouraged. THE Ohio State University has looked really good so far. They were able to go into Texas, and avenge last year's loss. However, I still think we have a shot if we play up to our potential. We have one of those teams where if everything is working we can beat any team in the country. Our problem so far has been putting it all together. Passing game looks good, but the run game is lacking. Then, the next game its the opposite. I would be happy if we were able to hang with them, and maybe put a little bit of a scare into them.

As far as predictions go, I would say Ohio State 21, PSU 16. And I see them maybe winning on a last second Troy Smith TD run or something similar. Also, watch out for OSU's linebacker James Laurinaitis. During the Texas game he was playing the way Posluzsny was last year. Also, he is the son of WWE legend "Animal", 1/2 of the Legion of Doom. (these are the kinds of facts you learn when you have a hi-speed internet and an addiction to Wikipedia.)

For Just 18 cents a Day.....

Well, I was able to make it back to dear Old State this past weekend. The trip itself was a ton of fun, but relatively uneventful. However, during the car ride up with 2 of my traveling companions we stumbled upon a radical, and possibly Earth-shattering idea.

If you're like me, you get tired of seeing those commericals of kids in Third World countries telling you how they have to walk 16 miles, uphill (in both directions) for clean drinking water. However, for my generous donation of just 18 cents a day we get the kid into school, where they will learn to write, begin a campaign of constant correspondence describing their plight, and depress you even further. By the way, how do they tell what kid gets the money? Honestly, I always thought it would cause more trouble if you had a group of have's and have nots in the community. The idea that we came up with takes this basic concept, and simply moves it into a domestic agenda where the relationship is mutally beneficial.

The idea itself has 2 different variations, but they both work off the same concept. In the spirit of consolidation, I'll merge the ideas, but you'll get the general theme we're working for. We decided that we are going to start a program very similar to the one mentioned above, but instead of Third World children, our program will target college students. Here's the plan: each year, you make a small donation to your designated student for that year. The donation could be either in the form of cash, or the pinnacle of collegiate bartering: alcohol. So, each year when you go back to your alma mater, you don't need to worry about finding a place to crash. Your protege for that year would be more than happy to put you up for a few nights. I think $200 a year sounds about right. If you think that sounds high, try booking a hotel room in State College on a football weekend. Imagine as a college student, you got the offer of $200 a year or semester in exchange for 2 or 3 weekends a year of free, guaranteed lodging. Would you have jumped at that offer? Exactly, me too.

But the relationship isn't entirely one-sided. As a mentor, you get pass your infinite wisdom along to those in a new generation. Have you gone through an experience, and said to yourself "if I'd only known that ahead of time." This is where the mentors come in. For instance, your sponsor child tells you he wishes he could graduate so he can get out into the "real world." You interject, tell him that these are the best years of his life, and that he will spend the next 50 trying to get back there. Crisis averted! An added benefit for the mentor is that they would achieve instant "that guy" status. "Hey, who bought all the beer for the party this weekend?" Answer: "that guy who sometimes crashes with Skippy and Jimmy." You're an instant BMOC. Its amazing how far a few bucks go with broke college kids.

Oh, and I don't even have to comment on the possible career networking opportunities for the students.

Now, I'm not saying that this idea is a finished blueprint. It's just a mere outline for something that we think could work. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, $200 a year works out to just $0.55 a day.

Till next week.

~Kevin

Toss that Salad.....

I just caught this little tidbit on CNN.com, and it made me chuckle so I felt I would pass it along. I guess that there is some kind E.coli outbreak regarding bagged spinach. Well, either someone at CNN.com is either pretty funny, or totally uninformed. For about 20 minutes the main page for the site, one of the most heavily visited everyday, had the headline of "Toss that Salad." I wish I would have captured a screenshot of it. Now, we see the more Cnn-like headline of "Don't eat bagged spinach." So, either they are totally clueless about these kinds of things, or Skippy the Intern will have a hell of a story to tell his buddies at the bar tonight.

P.S. PSU will dominate the juggernaut of Youngstown State. I will be in the house for the game, and then going to visit my mug at the Phyrst afterwards.

Till Monday

~K

Not much to add.........

On the heels of a really successful real-time blogging experiment, I feel I can now give you my un-emotional reaction to the game. We got beat by a better team. Plain and simple. I think that we got beat in many facets of the game. I am actually getting mad thinking about this again. Anyway, the big test comes this week against mighty Youngstown State. I will be in lovely State College again this weekend to take in all the festivities. (aka, visiting my mug at the Phyrst.)

Next, I would shirking my duties as Death Pool Grand Administrator if I didn't comment on the Crocodile Hunter. When you create something like the Death Pool, its done with situations like this in mind. I mean, if someone would have had him, that would have taken the whole thing, hands down. Also, really makes you rethink some of your decisions on this year's picks. All the features were there that make a good pick. Just something to keep in mind in a couple of months when we start looking at the D-Pool 2007.

~K

PSU vs. Notre Dame......

Ok, here it is! What we've all been waiting for: The big game, PSU vs. Notre Dame. This game is so big, that I am doing the only logical thing possible, keeping a running diary throughout the game. This might be best idea I've had all week. For full disclosure, I should tell you that I originally got this idea from the SportsGuy on ESPN.com. I've told you multiple times before, but I'll say it again. If you like sports and pop culture, you need to be reading the SportsGuy on a regular basis.

2:10 p.m. Well, game time is about 2 hours and 20 minutes away. I couldn't be more excited. I shouldn't let the cat out of the bag, but I already know how this thing is going to end up. For anybody who knows me, you'll know that I am slightly superstitious, with possible low-grade OCD thrown in for good measure. (For instance, I didn't get into my bed on the right side for 2 years. But that's a whole 'nother story.) Anyway, all the signs leading up to kick-off show the game going Penn State's way. Just to let you know what I'm talking about, last night I got home from work and I had the new Frederick's of Hollywood catalog waiting for me. Then, for good measure I simulated the game on NCAA 2007. The result? Penn State 56, Notre Dame 44. This morning, the good times kept on rolling. The new issue of Playboy arrived. While each event might seem insignificant, when you put them all together it looks like a sure fire Nittany Lion victory today.

3:05 p.m. Well, I think I might as well set up some over/under predictions for the game:
1. Kinds of cheese I will eat today: 4
2. Trips to the restroom: 6
3. References to Charlie Weis' Super Bowl victories or rings: at least 1

On a side note, a great T-shirt that is on sale in State College right now reads "Take Charlie Back to the Chocolate Factory." Maybe the perfect mixture of high comedy, and slight cruelty. I love it.

20 minutes till kick-off

3:16 p.m. By the way, the Chad has checked in several times from South Bend. From what I've heard it sounds like there is a large PSU presence there. The full Blue Band is in the house, massive tailgating, free booze, etc. I am almost giddy at this point.

3:38 p.m. First sure fire way of the day to know you're going to hell. The priest from ND is giving the prayer about 9/11 and as they cut to an aerial shot of the stadium, you comment to yourself that the 2 smaller arenas next to it remind you of a set of tits.

3:43 p.m. Another reason why I don't like this school: People who pronounce it "No-tra Dame" instead of "No-der Dame" That must be the 4 Bud Light's talkin'.

3:51 p.m. You know what would be a great idea? Cover the God-damn tight end! He's on pace for about 27 receptions.

4:05 p.m. Christ! A Ganter screwed us. (although the snap looked high) Please, someone tell me there are no more Ganter kids at S.C. High that we have to put up with.

4:20 p.m. The end of the 1st quarter. Well....ah, I don't really know how to classify this. I mean, I'm mad that we screwed up the field goal attempt and then fumbled when we were starting a drive down the field. Maybe 56-44 is a little unrealistic at this point. It could be worse. They need to stop them on this drive, and then score a TD. I did like the fact that they lined D-Wil up at quarterback. And AJ Wallace continues to impress the hell out of me.

4:46 p.m. Ok, I am starting to get belligerent here. Anytime the offense wants to do something, that's fine with me. Seriously. God damn it!!! They just hit the tight end on 2nd and 20! How is this possible? Why does it always seem that when we need that play it never happens, but it ALWAYS happens for the other team? Just FYI, I have now switched to Pottsville's finest. I am 6 into this. I am somewhat amazed that this still makes sense.

5:32 p.m. How to tell your team had a bad first half? The best piece of information I got was a commerical showing Jack Klugman (one half of the Odd Couple), I thought he died in like '97. (note to self, pick Jack Klugman for the 2007 Death Pool). Also, DWB is feeding me this line of shit that he's up to 13 beers. He's obviously using the Chad scale of conversion. Also, the best line of the half came from The Chad: A simple, but effective equation. #7 Sciorotto = #4 Derek Fox. I think I learned that in Math 220.

4:55 p.m. See, this is why I never joined the military. Just 6 beers and 13 points later, I am totally broken. Also, I currently have no pants on. The situation is detiorating quickly here.

5:12 p.m. Is this really happening? Is it still 4 in the morning and I am just dreaming that we are playing like a WNBA team? Does anybody know if Posluszny and Connor made the trip to South Bend?

5:36 p.m. Zibakowski just scores. There is no God!

6:17 p.m. Well, that about wraps it up. Its now 34-3, with about 1 minute left to go in the 3rd quarter. Quite frankly, I am embarassed right now. We didn't even show up. They are marching down the field again, and there is literally nothing that we can do to slow them down. I even had to bear the sight of Jeff Smarahdklsdkfjsldjfa catching a touchdown in the first half. I still have no pants on. And, I got pix message from DWB, via Verizon wireless, and I have visual proof that he's down 13. Impressive. That might be the most impressive Penn State-related thing that I've seen all day. Sad.

7:05 p.m. Well, what can you say? We got our asses handed to us. I feel sick.l We coulda been champions. We coulda gone all the way. The upside of drinking all day is that I don't have that much further to go to hit "consolation-ville." Good times!

A unique title......

In honor of Labor Day, I am going to put as little effort as possible into this post. I couldn't really think of any new and Earth-shattering topics so I decided to write about the one thing that the people who read this blog all care about....PSU football. And, without further to do here are my expert observations.

First, for anyone who was actually at the game, is it asking too much for them to put a dome in? Seriously. For anybody who was there, it was an absolute mess. I think about 2 inches of rain fell in State College on Saturday. I was drenched. Stop being cheap already and just add another 20,000 seats and enclose it all. Put a $1 tax on something and the job pays for itself.

Onto the actual game. Well, this game was like getting a sweater for Christmas. It's nice, but not exactly what you were hoping to see. We'll start on offense. I thought Morelli looked composed for his first start. He had great touch on that pass to Butler on the first drive. However, as pointed out by DWB, he doesn't look to his 2nd or 3rd receivers. Next, offensive line: pass blocking = good, run blocking = not so much. If we couldn't spring Tony Hunt against Akron, I have serious concerns against the Ohio State's and Michigan's of the world. Receivers: wow. I can't believe that a few years ago we consistently saw balls bouncing off chests. And that was just with the cheerleaders before the game. Thank you, thank you....I'll be here all week. Seriously, was it asking too much to have receivers who could actually catch the damn ball? I read a nice article on Deon Butler, and I found out that his only scholarship offer initially came from William and Mary. Kind of glad that he stuck it out with us. I'd love to see the defense that could hang with a 5 receiver set of Williams, Butler, Norwood, Golden, and Bell. That's some major league depth.

Defense. Does anybody remember my preview a few weeks ago that stated "I hope Dan Connor makes 'the leap' this year"? Well, that took exactly 1 week. I'm not sure how this looked on TV, but for anybody that wasn't there, he absolutely FINISHED tackles. I mean, drove people into the ground. Also, my apologies to Tim Shaw. I thought he was going to be the answer to the trivia question 10 years from now, 'who was the 3rd starter with Posluszny and Connor in 2006'? He looks like a serious player as well. The secondary looks like it has some players too. I thought that King and Johnson did a good job keeping the Akron receivers in check. Tony Davis played well also. Ed Johnson displayed a year's worth of frustration, and I hope that he can keep it up for the whole year. Surprisingly, Jay Alford seemed to be a non-factor. But I was busy trying to keep pneumonia at bay, so what do I know.

Special teams. I think that Kevin Kelly exorcised the demons of the Orange Bowl as he kicked those field goals in really bad conditions. Also, if AJ Wallace can keep his hands on the damn ball he will break at least one this year. (on a side note, Tecmo AJ Wallace is now returning kicks and punts for my PS2 team and he fumbled his first 2 attempts, not a promising sign.)

Intangibles. For anybody who wasn't at the game they showed the new video for the year. Let me sum it up for you in a word, INCREDIBLE. If you went to Penn State, see that video, and don't get goosebumps you should have your diploma taken away. I think I had a tear welling up in my eye afterwards. Just fantastic overall. Also, they did something that I didn't remember seeing before. The captains, Posluszny and Levi Brown came out by themselves, followed by the team as they played 'We will rock you.' Another goosebump moment. However, I do have some complaints. First, for anybody that has never tailgated at Beaver Stadium, the whole purpose is to get loaded, sneak beer into the stadium, and then act like a soccer hooligan. Well, this year they have outlawed drinking in the parking lot during the game. So, you can get stinking drunk before and after the game, but not during! It almost seems unAmerican to me. It's supposed to stop people who come up just to tailgate, but have no intention of going into the game. Is nothing sacred anymore? Also, during the game they showed a new website that has a lot of cool PSU football information. You can find it here.

Next week. I didn't get a chance to see any of the Notre Dame / Georgia Tech game, but from the highlights that I saw, the Irish look totally beatable. So, here's my plan of attack for this Saturday. Seeing as how I have no wife, kids, or other commitments I am going to try something new. The PSU / Notre Dame game is on at 3:30, followed by Ohio State / Texas at 8. My plan is to get up, begin drinking at about noon, and then keep a running diary of the PSU game. So, for anybody with 'net access during the game, make sure to check back periodically to get my up to the minute analysis of the game.

~Till Saturday. We are..........

~K

Better late than never.....

Here's my list of complaints and grievances vs. Society. As always, its cheaper than therapy.

First, I'd be slacking if I didn't at least mention the creepiest guy I've seen in a long time, this John Mark Karr guy. I don't get it. Who admits to a murder that they didn't commit? Am I missing something? I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I knew right away that this guy was full of crap. Now, I still believe he belongs in the creepy guy Hall of Fame. No doubt about it. I'm sure he's guilty of something, but we just need to figure that part out. One interesting theory I heard was that he was facing time in a Thai prison, and he decided to "confess" in order to get the hell out of that country. Not sure how familiar everyone is with Thai prisons, but I've heard that they aren't the most hospitable. At the very least, I think he should be charged with obstruction of justice for impeding the investigation here in America.

Not so much of a complaint, but has anybody noticed that the number keys on a phone start with 1 in the upper left hand corner and work their way down, and on a computer keyboard it's the reverse? I am 27 and I just figured this out. Warrants mentioning.

Is there a Spanish internet? I mean there has to be. In fact, I would think that there have to be a bunch of different internets for all of the foreign languages. (ok, as a side note I just tried "google Spanish." It looks like its the same internet, but a different segment for various languages.)

(........Crosses "Spanish internet" off list of things to investigate further)(Remaining items include "why Treat Williams hasn't won an Oscar" and "find nude pictures of the chick from Invincible.")

Back to the complaints. And this one is a biggie. As I was flipping through the channels the other night I noticed a film on TV. The film in question was SlapShot 2. For those of you not familiar with the original Slap Shot films, it is the story of a minor league hockey team that finds success once it resorts to extreme violence. Highly regarded as one of the best sports movies of all time. Anyway, Slap Shot 2 is its illegitimate brother. It makes Godfather 3 and Caddyshack 2 look like great ideas. All I will say is that it stars Stephen Baldwin. Enough said. Anyway, the only reason that I bring this up is that the movie was showing on AMC. That's the same AMC, as in American Movie Classics. Ah.....no. We really need to tighten up security over there. I wouldn't want someone from outside the country to get the wrong impression of us. The international community already hates us for so many things. No need to add cinematic integrity to the list.

~Till next time.
K

Why do I buy bananas?....(and other random thoughts)

We have quite a lot to get through tonight. I promise that if you stick with me, we'll get through it all.

First, why do I buy bananas? Really? Why? A strange potassium addiction? Honestly, I don't know. Quite frankly, I don't think that there has been anyone in America to finish an entire bunch of bananas in the last 50 years. Rumor has it Kobayashi can only eat 4 bananas at a sitting. I buy bananas at the store, and by the time I get them home they have morphed from green to spotted. By the end of the day they are completely spoiled. You would think that at some point I would have learned my lesson. Nope. Two are rotting in my kitchen as we speak. Good times!

Next, I am currently boycotting Wendy's. Not all Wendy's, just the local one by my house. I recently had a bad customer service experience there, and have been boycotting them ever since. Now, for those of you who know me, you will know that I take the boycott very seriously. The infamous State College McDonald's boycott of '98 is still being used as a case study at Harvard Business School. All I ask from each of you is that if you are trying to decide between a few fast-food establishments, don't go with Wendy's. Its all I ask. Thank you in advance for your understanding on this matter.

Finally, at the request of CWG here are my thoughts on the upcoming PSU football season. If I had to use one word to sum up my thoughts it would be this, optomistic. By the way, I am basing all of my thoughts on how well PSU has played in NCAA Football '07 for the PS2. (more on this in a moment)

Offense: Techmo Anthony Morelli might be the best quarterback in the history computerized gaming. An absolute cannon for an arm. More accurate than an atomic clock. As long as there are no pop-quizzes about long division in the huddle he should be ok. Tony Hunt will continue to be a stud tailback, with Austin Scott building on an impressive Orange Bowl showing. Hopefully he can pull it together and avoid being this year's recipient of the annual Lamar Stewart Woulda-Shoulda-Coulda Award. The offensive line worries me a bit. Replacing 4 new starters is not going to be easy. I put the over/under at 2 quarters on how long it takes for The Chad to find his offensive lineman who he will relentlessly rip for the remainder of the season. Past winners include John Blick, Greg Ransom, and Gus Felder. Wide receiver is a position that FINALLY doesn't worry me. We finally have some guys who COULD catch the clap in a whorehouse. Also, for anybody out there working on their 2008 NFL mock drafts, its Derrick with two "r's". Williams is scary good. He almost seems too good to be playing here. We never used to get this kind of athlete. Sometimes I think I am going to wake up one morning and find out that D-Wil was on Oceanic Flight 815, and this was all a big dream.

Defense: We'll start here on the D-line. I could see Jay Alford making a Tamba Hali-like leap to big time this year. The one thing holding him back? A constant reason to run the same 3 minute TV puff piece on him, ala the Liberian civil war last year. Ed Johnson gets my Danny Earl "Shouldn't He have Graduated 3 Years Ago?" award. Great to have you back. The secondary is another area that worries me. We lost a lot of talent there. I think Justin King will benefit from playing mainly on defense this year. Although I am waiting for them to use him when they pull out the old-school Chafie Fields reverse around the 3rd or 4th game of the year. Techmo Justin King has returned 6 punts for TDs through 5 games on NCAA '07. Congrats to Knowledge Timmons on picking up the Peerless Price "It seemed like a great name when we were drunk" award. Some valuable hardware there. I saved Linebacker for last. What else can you say about Posluszny? One story that I heard after the Orange Bowl was that in that game after he tore his knee ligaments he asked the trainers about his status. He asked them if he could go any more damage. When they replied no, he requested to be shot up with painkillers and wanted to go out to play the rest of the game. Wow. When you want to look up what it means to be a Nittany Lion, look it up in the dictionary under Posluszny, P. I think it would be great if Dan Connor could make the same leap Posluszny made last year from really good LB to off-the-charts wrecking ball. Finally, Tim Shaw collects the Mac Morrison "I can tell my grandkids I started with two other All-Americans at LB" award.

Overall: I see another solid season for the Lions. They aren't going to sneak up on anybody like they did last year. However, based on my play on the PS2 they will beat Notre Dame 97-0. I see them dropping 2 games: the Ohio State game on the road and then either Notre Dame or Michigan. Personally, the entire season would be a success if they could finally beat Michigan. I mean, even A.C. Green didn't go this long without getting some satisfaction. I see them at 10-2 and in the Capital One bowl.

Till next time

~Kevin

War of the Worlds.....

Sometimes you come across information that will shake your belief system to the very core. Occasionally, you find out something that you once held as fact, is nothing more than a rumor a best. With that being said, I came across this little tidbit today.

For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link, there is a group of scientists meeting in the Czech Republic as we speak in order to determine if we should keep Pluto as a planet. I am going to say that again because I think it needs some time to sink in. We are meeting to see if we can to keep Pluto or vote it off the island. It's basically an Inter-Galactic American Idol. Up until this point I didn't know that this kind of thing was debatable. I guess I was wrong. I mean, growing up you learn that there are nine planets and thats it. Done. End of story. However, I just found out in that article that there is no strict criteria on what makes up a planet. I know that there must have been a few smart astrophysicist types at MIT during the years who could have came up with this kind of material. Before we start sending people to other planets, I think it might be worthwhile to actually have some sort of formal definition of what a God-damned planet is.

Now, I'm worried. What other kinds of information that we take for granted is really up for debate? The mile? Sorry, we were just guessing at that. We never took the time to measure. It's 5200-ish feet. Close enough. Water is H2o, right? Well, not exactly. We took a closer look and its actually 2 parts hydrogen, 1 part oxygen, and 1 part blueberry Jello. A little known fact, but apotentially important breakthrough. Any thoughts you have on this would be appreciated.

You're gonna be disappointed......

Wow, this post is going to involve a bigger steaming pile of horse crap than usual. Now, with that being said, for those of you still with us, hang on. This post is basically going to involve complaints and greviences I have.

One thing about technology is that it gives us the ability to do things that 20 years ago would have been impossible. Think about it. Science fiction has a way of becoming Science Fact. Imagine a world where you can get all the music you would ever want to listen to on a single player that fits in your pockets. Yeah, its called an iPod. Well, if we can do that kind of crap, why can't we do the following? I am watching one of my 300 channels of cable TV bliss, and I find that Wilds Things 3 is playing. I am going to say that again because I think it bears repeating. Wild Things 3. I didn't even know this was out. Is it asking too much for me to get some kind of email, text message, blog posting, or sky writing to let me know that this has hit the airwaves? So I'm watching this thing. And here's what the preview says: "Two teenage vixens go on a sex and murder spree in search of valuable diamonds." I caught the program already in progress, and those bastards made me wait about 15 minutes before the first nude scene. At this point I am cursing the screen. And then we hit the lesbian, lockerroom make out scene. (At 27 minutes and 35 seconds into it, for those of you scoring at home.) Classic. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that there should be some sort of central repository of this kind of information. I just feel like you need to know these things.

Moving right along. You know what really disturbs me? I mean REALLY disturbs me? Clogs! Listen, here's the rule. If its unlikely that you are going to be called on to put your finger in a dyke or have tulips in your front yards then you don't have a good reason for wearing clogs. End of discussion.

Here's a list of all the years where "Von" predicted that it was the "year of the FIN" and the Dolphins ended up winning anything:
1997: (empty)
1998: (empty)
1999: (empty)
2000: (empty)......well, you get the picture.

Till next week.

~K

Many apologies.....

First, off I'd like to thank you in advance for your understanding regarding my not posting yesterday. (God, I really think I am going to start using that line in real life situations. I truly think that I am onto something here.)

Next, I don't know quite how to tell you all this, but I recently did something that I regret and am utterly ashamed of. Often in life you come to a crossroads, and the demons pull you down paths that ought to remain untouched. I can not change what occurred. I can only hope to learn from my experiences. What was my horrible act? That's right, I tried a Boca Burger! And I enjoyed it! (For those of you that haven't left the house in a decade, the Boca Burger is a meatless burger. That just sounds silly saying it out loud.)

I know. I know. How does one get to such a place? It started out innocently enough. A simple trip to my local mega-mart. And there they were in the freezer case. They called to me. Next thing I knew I was throwing them on the Foreman. Delicious. Kind of like an old school bacon burger. Who knew that soy could be so tasty? Like I said before, I hope that this doesn't become a habit for me. In all honesty I was expecting the culinary equivalent of hockey puck or a beverage coaster. But that wasn't the case. Now, I don't expect that I will be making the permanent switch from my beloved all-beef patty anytime soon, but I felt that it was important to get my message out to you all. God bless.

Ok, finally. Onto the good stuff. Drug war. Total BS. Totally. Let's look at it from a purely economic standpoint. First, for all the billions of dollars that have been wasted I don't see any impact on either the supply or demand sides of the equations. Second, I'm not sure I would agree with total legalization of drugs. That being said, I can't believe that the government has let such a lucrative cash cow go untaxed. DWB said it, and now I'm saying it. If you can't beat 'em join 'em. Instead of spending billions a year and getting ZERO results, I'd much rather take the other side, and see a HUGE influx of tax revenue be generated. And I'm not even talking about more serious drugs. Third, this would greatly reduce the strain on our courts and the prison systems, which would in turn save us even more money. Seems to me that would be a pretty efficient way to cut into the huge Social Security and Medicare liabilities that we have sitting on the books. Quite frankly, I can't think of two more dangerous drugs that alcohol and tobacco, but the last time I checked it was pretty easy to get either one. And don't you think that we would have learned something from Prohibition? I guess not. When you limit a person's personal freedom of choice, its only going to drive up demand and limit supply. And when Congress used the 21st amendment to repeal Prohibition, I don't think that the country as a whole turned into a bunch of alcoholic animals. I think that alcohol and tobacco just have bigger and better lobbies. Additionally, I don't think that ANY politician has the ballbag to go in front of the country and admit what a failure this has been. It's been the domestic policiy equivalent of Gigli. We've spent so much money and wasted so much time, that I don't think that there is anyway that we'll do an about-face and draft a policy that makes sense.

Finally, guess who has Castro in the death pool? Oh yeah!

Later.

So many theories, so little time.......

On a side note, I just noticed that all of my titles have the .... after them. No idea how this happened. Wasn't something that I set out to do, but it just kind of ended up that way. So, I'm gonna go with it. It'll be my little trademark. Kind of like how Seinfeld had a Superman in every episode. Yeah, just like that, except shittier and totally lacking originality.

First, here's a fun game I have played a lot recently. Feel free to play along if you get the chance. Whenever I am in a parking lot and searching for the "good spot" my alternative goal is to prevent someone from doing the pull-through. They are in their car, ready to leave, and there I am, the roadblock. This has happened to me about 3 times in the past 2 weeks, and I always seem to get a chuckle from it.

Next, here's yet another thing that annoys me. First, I want to preface this by saying that I am the WORST storyteller ever. I am. Its ok, I know it. I just can't tell you the story. I have to give you the backstory, and all the supporting details. Ask me what time I am going to be someplace. That involves at least 5 minutes of all the details why I will be arriving at said time. However, I have found something that is even worse than that. It's when someone feels compelled to replay a conversation that they had with someone else verbatim. It goes a little something like this:

Person 1: I said to the guy "blah, blah, blah, etc."
Person 1: And then he says "No way, yada, yada, yada."
Person 1: Then I said "oh yeah, blah, blah, blah."
Person 1: To which he replied "but wait, what about...."

Ahhhhh! Just get it out already! Even typing this makes me want to smack myself in the face with a wrench. If anyone EVER hears me doing this, please get me professional help.

Finally, in the immortal words of Prof. Terguson (you can IMDB that little reference if you'd like) we are going to discuss one of the easiest events of the 21st century to understand, stem cells. In response to the comments posted by others in previous posts, I couldn't agree more. The fact that you wouldn't want to pursue a line of research that has so much potential is just incredible. I'd love to know how a politican could look someone in the eye with a disease or condition that could potentially be cured with stem-cell research. It's freakin' cells for cryin' out loud. Maybe I am an idiot. (actually, let me restate. I know I'm an idiot) But I really don't know what the controversey is about. If someone does, please let me know. This would be a great listing for my "Current Events for Dummies" website. I think it has something to do with these religious nuts. Is it just me, or wasn't this country founded on the principles of a seperation of church and state? To steal some words from George Carlin, let's not forget that 9/11 was a "faith-based initiative".

Later.

Oldies, but goodies

Here's a little end of the week bonus posting for you.

A question popped into my noggin today on my way to work. And here's the question. What's going to happen to "oldies" stations on the radio? Is there a certain number of years old a song has to be in order to be considered an "oldie?" Kind of like what happens with classic cars. If thats the case then we are going to reach a point where Sinatra, the Temptations, and Huey Lewis are going to be compressed onto the same station.

Or I thought that maybe as old people die, their music becomes less important because there is a declining fan base, and there will always be "new" oldies because we just keep this cycle going. And this makes sense because we never hear music from the 1920s. So, at some point in the future the old oldies will be gradually replaced by the new oldies. Or is it possible that we will have mulitple oldies stations, with each one featuring music from a different era. Or is it just entirely possible that I have too much free time on my hands?

You be the judge.

Ask and you shall receive.....

It was recently brought to my attention that a great time to update this blog would be on Monday's, after 5 pm. Wow! What a concept! Wish I would have thought of that one. But, seeing as how I do this for the fans, here it is....your Monday after 5 pm update.

First, in the last posting I made an error and forgot to mention "for your conveinence"'s illegitamate brother, "thank you in advance for your understanding in this matter." Same basic concept, but with a slight twist. Here, the whole goal is to make you feel like an ass if you raise a stink about this particular issue. How dare you call to complain, we already thanked you in advance. This is brilliant. I think I might start to use this in my personal life. Before I act like a real jerk-off (which is often), I'm just going to preface it with that line. "Hey Joe, I'd just like to thank you in advance for your understanding regarding my urinating in your fishbowl later on." This could be huge.

Next, is it just me or do we just need to shut this whole Space Shuttle thing down? I wasted a good 15 minutes on Saturday watching a NASA spokesperson on CNN try to describe the difference between a leak and seep. Classic. Guess what? They both mean crap is comin' out that ain't supposed to. Also, for those of you who missed this little tidbit, NASA hired a crew to pick up all the roadkill around the Cape Canaveral area because they were worried about vultures ramming into the shuttle during take-off. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but don't you think that if you need to factor in vultures running into your craft during takeoff, it might be time to re-evaluate? Also, glad to see that the 30 months and millions of dollars that they spent trying to keep the foam on the external fuel tank had spectacular results. Is it just me, or did they ever consider putting the foam on the inside of the damn tank? Problem solved.

I couldn't go a whole posting without commenting on what's going on in the Middle East. I'm sure you're looking for my insightful commentary on these events. However, I've decided to put a different spin on it. I know that I have talked numerous times about various money-making schemes. But here is one that I think would actually work. I want a web-site that when shit goes down, its right on top of it, giving me the Cliff Notes version of the events. All I'm looking for is a high-level overview. Give me some maps, some charts, a timeline possibly. I turn on CNN and all thats on for 5 days is this quasi-war, and I have no idea what happened. Think of it as a "Current Events for Dummies." This can't miss. By the way, CNN really needs to re-think their criteria on when they use the "Breaking News" banner. Every time I see that damn thing, I think maybe someone got knocked off for the Death Pool, but no....its about some summit or another rocket attack or something. Here's a handy, dandy rule of thumb to use, if the same event has happened a hundred times before in the past 5 days, I think its safe to assume that its not "Breaking News." Just a thought.

Finally, in light of the events mentioned above, you would figure that our legislators would be trying to figure out ways to fix some of the problems we currently have going on. We are still feeling the effects of the post-Enron scandals, and Congress decides to tackle this threat to the business community. Here.

Till, next time.

For Your Convenience....

You know what trend I have decided is quite disturbing? It's the one where a company will impose a certain policy on you and then try to pass it off as doing it "for your convenience." This is really starting to irk me greatly. For instance, next time you go to a nice restuarant (and for those of you who actually read this blog, La Bamba's is not considered a nice restuarant) look for that line at the bottom of the menu: For your convenience, parties of 6 or more will have an automatic 18% gratuity. How is this for my convenience? Really, tell me.

(Still waiting...)

That's right. It's not! It's for their convenience. For your convenience, please enter your Social Security number before we drag you into this impossible maze of a phone tree. For your convenience, we've decided to take your house, buy it from you for 30 cents on the dollar, and put a highway in its place. Ahhh!

You know what I'm waiting for? Companies to just come out and tell us what they're doing. I'm serious about this. This is the kind of honesty we, as Americans, would just leap at. Imagine if the local pizza guy told you he needed to raise his prices to pay off his debts at the track. It might suck, but at least you're getting a straight answer. And quite honestly, I'm guessing that the guy who needs to sell a hell of a lot of pies to keep his kneecaps in one piece is going to make some tasty dishes. Just a thought.

For your convenience, I'll be updating this blog in the future as often as I damn well please.

A donkey, siamese twins, and a set of jumper cables....

Ok, first, that title has absolutely nothing to do with what I am writing about. But quite frankly, what person can see a heading like that and cruise right by? Not many. So, with that let me officially introduce you to the Monday 5 p.m. blog. Even though I've already made several postings I figured it might be nice for those people joining us already in progress to bring you up to speed on what this blog is all about. It's a wonderful coming-of-age tale, so take a walk with me as I describe how we got here.

Anybody familiar with history will tell you that you can't know where you're going unless you know where you've been. The concept behind the Monday 5 p.m blog was started, innocently enough, in the spring of 1999 in the sleepy town of State College, PA. Here's the official story as to how it was started. One day, at the now defunct Bilo grocery store, myself and my roommates were attempting to purchase some foodstuffs for that evening's meal. However, as luck would have it, we were impeded by an older lady who was in line ahead of us. And, here's the kicker. Let's see....how can I put this? She was.......ah, she seemed.......err, ok, she had a hump. Plain and simple. It's ok. People occasionally have humps. Things happen. Anyway, in the parking lot afterwards my roommate commented that he was unsure whether he should just wait in line or use the hump as a place to rest his elbow. I know, its terrible. We immediately chided him for his juvenile and insensitve comments. However, with that....a revolution was born. We decided it would be beneficial to have a time and place where it was socially acceptable to speak your mind without fear of retaliation. However, let me lay down the ground rules. Originally we decided that Monday's between the hours of 5 pm and midnight would be our designated safe haven. Additionally, since its now being posted on the 'net, we go by the "its 5 o'clock somewhere" rule. Wouldn't want to see anybody blow an O-ring waiting 6 days to get their feelings out. Also, we do not descriminate based on race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or creed. There are much better reasons to be irritated by someone. We go on a case-by-case basis. For instance, maybe you have that annoying guy at work who's cell phone is always ringing. Maybe your neightbor steals your paper and his dog shits in your yard. Let it out! This blog is cheaper than therapy.

That's all for now. As always, your comments are always welcome.

~Kev

Don't want to say I told you so....

Ok, sometimes I even scare myself. For those of you who caught yesterday's posting you saw that I made some predictions about what the most hyped event of the summer was going to be. I made two suggestions. The first was that there would be an amusement park ride that killed some people and the second was in regards to clowns who were also bankrobbers. Well, less than 24 hours later, I saw this. If you don't believe me, you can check the time-stamp on when yesterday's posting made it up to the site. So, this obvisously can mean only one thing: somewhere in America there is a clown trying to figure out how to get a ski-mask over a gigantic red nose.

~Creskin

I know its not Monday, but....

A couple of news items to get to in the post. First, to comment on all the comments that everyone left regarding the Global Warming post, I couldn't agree more. And by saying that, I mean that I agree that you should be agreeing with me. Glad to see that my years of subtle influence are starting to pay off.

Also, I want to comment on a tangent that was started in the comments section regarding the media and their ability to hype certain events. The current floods are a great example of this. Also, is it just me or is this the first time you ever remember weathermen saying that the floods were going to start at a certain time? For those of you who do not live in the northeastern part of the United States, we have had substanial rainfall over the past week. The National Weather Service has been issuing flood watches, warnings, etc. However, last night they actually said that the flooding would start at X hour today. I never remember this before. I thought floods were things that just happened. Like you're at home and sitting in your Lay-Z-Boy and all of the sudden you see the microwave floating by.

As an off-shoot of the Death Pool, we should take side bets on what the most media-hyped event of the summer will be. Last year it was the hurricanes. A few years ago it was shark attacks and the DC sniper. My guess is that this year its going to be either some kind of amusement park ride that kills mutliple people or clowns who moonlight as bankrobbers. Could go either way at this point.

Today I caught wind of a piece of legislation that is currently being debated in the U.S. Senate. Now, realize that we are currently mired in a war that is costing billions of dollars a year, the country lacks universal health care coverage, and the government is starting to pry into our phone records and bank transactions. And we decide to focus our energies here. Awesome. Glad to see that our elected representatives are on top of things. All that money I spent on rhinestone sunglasses and a Don "Magic" Juan replica goblet is down the drain.

Finally, as some of you may know, today is one of my favorite days of year. Why, you ask? Its NBA draft night, thats why. Another year to put the now famous "Cleofus Theory" (you'll have to scroll down a bit) to the test. And I figured that this would be the perfect time to review how wonderfully the Theory performed in the past year. Quite frankly, I haven't seen busts like this since that Jenna Jameson video. My god, I even picked a guy (Fran Vasquez) who didn't even feel like playing in the league last year. Now, I know what you're going to say. "Dumbass, you picked 3/5's (Bogut, Williams, Villanueva) of the league's All-Rookie First Team." It's ok. Genius is often confused with insanity. My only reply is....wait. We'll see how these guys look three seasons from now. By the way, Rookie of the Year, Chris Paul, not on the list. So, score one for the good guys. Expect to see the '06 Cleofus list sometime in the near future.

That's enough for now. I'm going to go put on a poncho and wait for my crib to float away.

~Kevin

Global Warming warning

First, let me just preface all of this by saying that I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. None whatsoever. I hope that someone can point me to some scientific study that refutes all my arguments.

Anyway, I keep hearing all of this talk about global warming. In fact, just today there was an article that I read showing the effects. However, am I correct in saying that there have been a couple of ice ages in history? I think so. So, evidently there were points a long time ago, before "greenhouse gases" and ozone depletion, when the Earth's temperature climbed dramatically. Also, am I wrong in being slightly sceptical of temperature readings done 200 years ago? Let's revisit that by-gone era for a moment, shall we? Think about what daily life was like for them, and try to correlate that with scientific accuracy. Doesn't happen for ya, doesn't it? Or, at the very least, is it wrong to at least bring up the idea that temperatures that have risen 1 degree over the past century have been incredibly STABLE?

Call me crazy, but maybe we are just using the terms incorrectly. We have been conditioned to equate "global warming" with a rise in the Earth's temperature, due to man-made factors. Maybe we need to agree that the temperature may be rising, but it might not have anything to do with the cars that we drive or the factories we build. Maybe our "global warming" is just the latest upward trend in a cycle that has last millions of years.
Again, your comments are appreciated.

~Kev

This is only a test

I am thinking about switching my blog provider because the old one is beginning to irritate me greatly. Also, I am just waiting for this blog to go global, and I'm not sure that the old one would be able to support all that traffic. Just let me know what you think.

~Kevin