Techno-crapper...............

Every once and a while I like to really talked about the things in life that really matter. Global warming? Nope. Our dependence on foreign oil? Not even close. I am talking about the integration of technology into the very inner orifices of our lives. That's right, into the inner sanctum of manhood.....the men's room.

I actually had been thinking about writing on this topic for a while, but it was this e-mail (re-printed with JonBoy's permission) that prompted all this:

It's the morning of the 3rd day in the new building and I can already tell I'm going to have a hard time getting use to how things operate around here. Today, I'd like to point out the cost of having a high tech. bathroom stall. For the 2nd time this week, I've had the privilege of using our cutting edge loos- in case you haven't used them yet, they flush by themselves. I for one feel this is a great asset just in case someone forgets to flush or if they have issues about touching the handle to flush - none of which applies to myself. However, there are some cases when the technology doesn't work as it should & it creates more harm than good.

For example, as I've been attempting to sit on the throne - it flushes. Talk about being efficient, flushing before there's anything to remove! As if wasting water wasn't enough, the person gets to experience the equivalent of riding the Wild Rapids at Cedar Point without a suit on. Is this what it feels like to use a bidet? Maybe it's just me but I think there are others out there with the same problem. If that wasn't bad enough, how about the unexpected, intermittent flushing that takes place while wiping? Finally, when you get up - the toilet doesn't flush thus leaving paper in the bowl. This I wonder...


Immediately, I am glad that I have a forum to discuss these matters of national importance. I couldn't agree with Jonboy more. As you all know, I am a huge proponent of the paper ass-gaskets that cover the toilet seats. Actually, I was until Jon pointed out that they just absorb the pee on the seat. Great! My whole belief system has been crushed. And while we are on the topic, why can't we get these things to properly fit on the seat. I love the term "one size fits all" only because they never seem to fit anything. That's why I typically supplement the ass gasket with additional TP as needed to make up for any deficencies and gaps in coverage.

Also, I totally agree that the pre-mature squirting of the self-flushing toilets can be a problem as well. It goes off too quickly and then the TP that you've already laid down gets soaked by the toilet water that shoots up and then you have to start all over again. Quite frankly, its frustrating. Especially when you're working on a taco-induced brown growler and time is of the essence. And then on the opposite end of the spectrum you have the ones that refuse to flush at all. Luckily, I have noticed that most models have a button located on the top that allows for On Demand flushing when necessary.

Another thing that really bothers me is this mis-directed focus on not touching things. It seems that once you get in there the whole purpose is trying to complete as many tasks as possible without using your hands. It's like a soccer match, for god's sake. However, you go through all that trouble and you wash your hands (hopefully) and then they make you pull on the disgusting door handle to get back out! It doesn't make a damn bit of sense. I think that every men's room should be set up so that you merely have to push on the door to get back out. All they need is to make it a handle on the outside and a pusher plate on the inside. It's not rocket science. I'm not just suggesting this, I'm demanding it.

Whew! I feel better now. Glad I could get this off my chest. Till next week.

~Kevin