Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest......

I bet you thought that I was going to take this week off because of the holiday. Oh no! I was just holding back because I felt compelled to write about something that is truly All-American. I searched and searched for just the right topic that captures what it means to be American. And then it hit me! Nothing says America quite like a bunch of people slamming hot dogs into their mouths as quickly as possible. So, I decided to watch the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. And, keep a running diary as it happened.

In honor of our nation's birthday, I am taking this quite seriously. I am drinking an American beer, I had bacon for breakfast, and I touched a boobie (not my own) in the last 12 hours. And I know what you're thinking. This sucks. Who wants to read a running diary of a hot dog eating contest? Well, here's the listing of all the great topics that you've covered in your blogs in the last 6 months.

1. (empty)
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So, when you're all growed up and you get a blog of your very own, you can write about whatever the hell you want. For today? It's hot dogs baby! Here's what went down......


12:01 - The announcers are going over the main theme of the afternoon, which is that 6-time reigning champion Kobayashi is suffering from some sort of jaw ailment. Personally, I think that it's all hype. He's scared because current Philly Wing Bowl champion, Joey Chestnut, recently broke the world record for most hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes. I think that it's all a scam to lull us into a sense of complacency. I mean, if Jenna Jameson doesn't suffer from jaw arthritis then no one does, OK?

12:02 - I am actually looking for a WWE-type ending here. Kobayashi lags back until the very end and as he is about to lose, he smashes Joey Chestnut in the head with a folding chair. That's how serious this is. I can't think of the last time there were two more evenly matched competitors in any sporting contest. Oh, and if you didn't think that this is a big deal, they just announced that the crowd is about 30,000 people.

12:03 - Fun fact I just learned: They are competing for the "mustard yellow" championship belt. See, the wrestling overtones are already creeping in.

12:06 - The rules. Quite simply, it's the most dogs that you can eat in 12 minutes. There is also a "reversal of fortune" clause that results in an automatic DQ. Meaning that if you "lose your lunch" before the contest is over, you're out. Finally, the prize? A year's supply of hot dogs! Of course.

12:07 - We just learned that Kobayashi received an acupuncture treatment this morning. This thing is shaping up like Walt Frazier coming through the tunnel on the bad leg during the '72 NBA playoffs.

12:26 - I bet you were wondering how you were going to fill the void after this year's hot dog eating contest is over. Well, have no fear. ESPN fill be airing the National Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship on Saturday. RPS Fever! Catch it!

12:38 - They have spent the last 8 minutes introducing all of the contestants. There were so many jokes there that I couldn't even try to keep up. If they replay this thing later on, I highly suggest that you catch it. I mean there's comedy, and then there's COMEDY.

12:41 - Gentlemen, start your enzymes! Joey "Jaws" Chestnut starts off strong. I don't see any sign of weakness in Kobayashi. After 2 minutes, Chestnut has done 20 dogs and Kobayashi is at 19. I will say that again because I think it's worth repeating. In 2 minutes. the two of them ate a combined 39 hot dogs.

12:45 - After 4 minutes, Chestnut is now 4 full dogs ahead of Kobayashi. On a side note, the announcers just referred to competitor Pat Bertoletti's mustache as "Magnum P.I. - pre-puberty."

12:49 - OK, we're at the half-way point. Kobayashi has pulled within 2 dogs. Just to show you how good these guys are, they are both 10 dogs ahead of the current third place competitor.

12:51: Chestnut is now at 53 dogs and Kobayashi is one behind at 52. Oh, and Chestnut just broke the Nathan's record. He's 4 dogs away from the world record.

12:55: One minute! Good god! The crowd is going crazy. This thing has lived up to all the hype. Chestnut just broke the world record! The announcer just said that if Joey Chestnut wins it would be the greatest moment in the history of American sports. Ok, that might be taking it a bit far.

12:56. Wow! We're almost at photo finish territory. The judges are actually looking at the video tape to see who got all the hot dogs in. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Oh, and now they're saying that Kobayashi might have violated the "reversal of fortune" policy at the very end. It would say that it's looking very good for Chestnut right now.

12:58: The judges post the official results. Kobayashi has 63 hot dogs. Joey Chestnut has 66! He did it! And a new world record in the process! I am so jacked right now that I can't stop using exclamation points!

Well, the mustard belt is back in America. I would say that it was the perfect beginning to the day. Now, I am going to go eat some dogs of my own. Have a happy and safe Fourth of July.

~Kevin